Desinere
by link no miko
Summary: Sometimes, it's not the loss that hurts the most. It's the things that were left unsaid. [Kougaiji x Yaone, oneshot]


**Desinere**

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I've wanted to write Kougaiji/Yaone since like, forever, and finally worked up a drabble (could this even be considered a drabble?) while listening to the song _Kokoro_ from Xenosaga ('tis an awesomely beautiful and sad song. Go listen!). So, uh, beware the overly melodramatic feel. It's cliche angst, but I enjoyed writing it and am happy with the fic.

Special thanks to iamzuul for beta-ing, and to Koorino Megumi, who graciously gave up her time when I went to her and asked for help with a Latin title. Which became a whole lot harder than I meant for it to be, so thank you so much for your help!

For reference, _desinere_ means, roughly, to stop/end/finish, abandon/leave/break off.

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It's dark, and it's cold, and it's silent. And she's having trouble rememberinga time when it wasn't. Above her, half-destroyed and seeming to float, Rasetsunyo glares down at her.

Blames her.

The castle is in ruins, her lord's mother only a head and torso made of stone. Would he blame her, she wonders? She knows how precious he held his mother in his heart. If he could see her now, what would he say?

And then it hits her that he's gone, and she can't ever see him again.

It's strange. She runs her hands along the wall, pulling down the now useless seals that once trapped a beautiful mother. This is the first time she's ever entered this room alone. The first time she's never smiled upon entering, because he isn't there to greet her.

Rasetsunyo is glaring.

At least the war is over, she tells herself as she pulls the seals down and folds the wire around her hand and arm. Don't think, no. Focus. But the thoughts still come, won't stop, and the mindless task she's set herself isn't enough to distract her.

She thinks the hardest part is that she never told him. That's the part that hurts the most. Years of service, years of watching him, but never words, never acknowledging what they both hoped—_knew_—was there.

She'd been watching him for so very long.

But there is no one there to watch anymore.

Pull the seal down, fold it up. Don't think.

There was no one who did not know of him. He was charismatic, beautiful, the son of a great demon and an equally beautiful demoness. She'd always, always admired him.

When he had protected her that first time, saved her, it was like a dream. And when she'd first seen him smile, been the _reason_ for that smile, that was when it became real.

Pull the seal down, fold it up. Don't think.

She served him because she believed in him. Because he cared for others, treated them with respect. Didn't look down on anyone.

She followed him because she loved him.

Loves him.

Rasetsunyo is glaring.

It's only been two days but it's hard to remember anything before it happened. It's only been two days, but for her it's her entire life. She can still feel his hair, soft and silky as it falls against her face, the weight of his body on her. She can't breathe for the scent of him, cinnamon and musk and _maleness_ and he's so beautiful but she can't see him through the red, red everywhere, on him and her and in the air and she can't see or smell and _ithurts_—

Pull the seal down, fold it up. _Don't think._

They've laid him out, she knows. The others are waiting for her, because they can't put their lord to rest without her there. She doesn't want to go. If she doesn't, maybe it won't be true. Maybe he'll come back. Almost all the seals are pulled away now—his mother is almost free.

Yes, any minute, and he'll walk in through the door, surprise and love in his eyes. All those things she loves about him.

She pulls the last seal down and turns to look, eyes shining and tears running unheeded down her cheeks.

A broken stone statue is all that greets her.

She doesn't even know she's screaming until large, warm hands envelop her shoulders and pull her close, smaller hands and a soft, warm body hugging her. They must have wondered where she was and come to find her. And he's saying something to her, trying to calm her, and the little girl that's lost her brother is trying to reassure her past the tears blocking her own voice.

The missing third body only makes her screaming sobs hurt more; the frozen eyes upon her back only make the guilt stronger.

Pull the seal down, fold it up. Don't think.

But there are no seals left to pull down.

Dokugakuji and Lirin help her from Rasetsunyo's chamber, leaving the broken statue behind them. Yaone clings to them like a lifeline, just as broken as the once-great woman they lead her away from.

It's only been two days, she thinks, no longer able to hold the images back. And she can still feel his hair against her face as he takes the hit meant for her, still smell his scent. But it's harder and harder now, to separate it from the smell of blood.

But at least she can still see his smile. Locked in her memories, he'll always give her that. Even on his cold body, she can still see it. It's all she's ever needed.

She thinks the hardest part is that she never told him.


End file.
